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I once tried to get a job, so I wrote a lot of cover letters. My first attempts started out very vanilla.

Please consider my résumé for the position of Production Coordinator with National Geographic Television’s Department of Specials & Event Programming.

Concerned that bored potential employers might not make it past the first sentence, I moved the hard sell to the top.

With 10 years of experience in the Entertainment Industry, I am an outstanding candidate for the position of Production Coordinator with National Geographic Films.

But there are plenty of professionals out there with years of experience applying for the same jobs, so I sought a way to make an impression.

I must first tell you, it was a special treat to discover this opening for a Supervising Producer at National Geographic, a position for which I am ideally qualified with an institution that I greatly admire. Hooray!

(I actually applied to National Geographic for four different positions, but three introductions are enough to illustrate that I’ve started cover letters in all sorts of ways.)

I carried that previous conclusion of enthusiasm into the opening of my next letter to Lakeshore Records.

Pick me! Pick me! I am so BLOODY FANTASTIC for the position of Production Coordinator & Art Director that I can’t hardly stand it!

When ebullience didn’t earn me employment, I opened on the past (for a photo production position with Cosmopolitan Magazine)…

When I graduated from film school in ’96, I sent off 40 cover letters and résumés to the top fashion photographers in New York City, then drove across the country to knock on each of their doors looking for a job. Nobody answered, so I drove back and eventually became the Director of Production with Yahoo! Music. After 5 years there, I left to focus on photography again, so I thought I’d knock on your door.

…then the present…

My last job was in Santa Monica, so I may possess the unique quality amongst your applicants of already having dined repeatedly at every one of the restaurants and eateries along Third Street Promenade. This, I expect, will allow me to fit in right away with the rest of the staff at Hamagami/Carroll. Okay, who’s up for the Shack? Anyone?

…and finally, in early ‘05, I reflected on the future with an anonymous ad agency executive…

Read any good cover letters yet, Amy? I’ve hired people before, myself, and reading cover letters often makes me think our public school system has been failing us for a very long time. And do you find it creepy when someone you’ve never met addresses you by your first name? Well, perhaps some day we’ll be good friends, and you’ll know that I’m not creepy in the least (with the exception of that incident at the ’06 Christmas party.)

I was under-qualified for FM Rocks…

Here’s how it breaks down: I am an aggressive hands-on person with strong production knowledge, great people skills, and a fantastic work ethic, but I don’t have the 2 years experience in producing music videos. Sucks for me.

… and over-qualified for the documentary production company specializing in extreme sports.

Reading over your posting on craigslist, I felt so qualified that I just had to respond.

1. I live in Venice.
2. I have video production experience. 10 years of it, actually. Probably more than would be appropriate for an intern, but lots to help you do what you do even better.
3. The wages you’re promising, or lack thereof, work just fine for me right now. The compensation I really want is to go out and see and do cool things. Documentaries, extreme sports, and documentaries about extreme sports all have the potential to deliver such experiences. Fun now, money later.

When there wasn’t any opening, I invented one and angled for it anyway.

I’m not actually applying to be a roving correspondent for JEOPARDY! Clue Crew. I know that’s not the most effective opening for a cover letter, but stick with me just a moment longer.

And occasionally, as the cover letters climbed into the triple digits, certain opportunities inspired inquiry.

My primary career objectives are to learn, experience, travel and be creative. I was very successful in doing all these while working in television, film, and new media production for 10 years. Now I would like move into a new and exciting field, while staying focused on those same objectives. This is why employment with Cirque du Soleil is so appealing to me.

When AOL was seeking a Creative Development Director, I honed my entire message down to a single haiku.

Ideal candidate
More creative than the rest
See my résumé

Applying to Wired Magazine for an editorial assistant opening, my most succinct and expressive introduction was contained within one link.

Please visit yorkrules.com to learn more about me.

Over the course of 3 years and 125 cover letters, I was offered only one job. It was an unpaid position for a music video production company in Hollywood that went out of business before our final interview.

I’ve found peace in my unemployment, so don’t come to me for career counseling, but if you ever want to know how not to start a cover letter, I’m the most qualified candidate you’ll find.

My thanks to those who suggested topics for today’s essay, and congratulations to Johnny for his winning submission. Johnny, your prize is on the way!

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