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When I originally posted my essay about a Gay Suicide Death Pact I had recently co-founded, I received a great deal of reader feedback. Most of it suggested that I should seek professional counseling, but there was one response that I enjoyed so much, I wished I had written it myself:
This gay suicide death pact sounds like just what I’ve been looking for. You wouldn’t believe how many people are out there talking about how one day they are going to get off their ass and finally start that suicide death pact they’ve been thinking about for all these years and never actually DOING it. Well, you guys have actually done it and I’m very proud of you.
The longest journey begins with a single step. Even when the final step in the journey is jumping hand-in-hand off a cliff with your gay friend. So - is there an application process or what? Do I need to submit samples? Of something? Because I’m all over that. Please let me know.
-josh
Not Gay Either but Equally Ambivalent
I filed Josh’s note away in the archives, intending to ask him to contribute to the yorkrules guest blog, Your Voice Here, if and when I eventually rolled this new product out. Well, today is that day, and here Josh shares with us some more of his own unique voice.
Welcome to My Virtual Reality
“Jew Nigger” is one of the most insulting things I’ve ever been called. That one came after a long list of “Jew” related comments including “Jewtard”, “Jewhole”, “Jew Cunt” and “Motherfucking Jew bastard”. It seems that a certain ‘lapro5′ is really an amazing Anti-Semite, one of the most virulent and disturbed people I’ve ever met. That is if I can actually take him seriously. Because the guy who was saying this to me had no idea I was Jewish, nor did he care. Instead he was just saying it to anyone who happened to kill him in Halo Multiplayer - an environment in which I’ve noticed there are a hell of a lot of other rascist-homophobic-jew-irish-french-redneck-you-name-it-haters. Why? Read on, dear reader… read on.
I first started playing Halo because I got it for free off the Internet. I am sporting a dual Mac G5 and while its processing power is through the roof the selection of games available for it is… well… quite ass. So when I noticed that Halo was available in my local Apple retail outlet I quickly grabbed it. I then quickly shit myself when I noticed the $59.95 price tag. This game came out like 6 years ago and they are still charging full price for it? “Fuck that” I said and promptly stomped home and downloaded it for free off Usenet. How can I justify this illegal behavior? Because I had shit myself! I felt that it was only fair that I reclaim some measure of dignity by stealing something from Bungee. Is this logical? Strictly no. Next question.
Anyway, before I got Halo I had only played one other game on my Mac. Some people will try to tell you that the Mac is no good for playing video games. Apple is working hard to overcome this unfair impression by including a cool game with their OS. It’s called “Chess”. Chess is fun but doesn’t really move along very quickly and also the graphics kind of suck. I beat it once and it just started over. No cool cut-scene, nothing. Kind of lame really now that I think about it. So when I popped in Halo and things were flying around in 3D I almost… ALMOST… shit myself again. It was a new world! I immediately spent the next four weeks playing the single-player mode until I beat it on “legendary” - the highest difficulty setting. You can be damn sure I saw a sweet cut-scene then.
At that point my life kind of went into a downward spiral. Meth addicts call this “suicide Tuesday”. I think this means that if you go out and party it up with your meth buddies on the weekend then by Tuesday you have come back down and are just about functional enough to kill yourself which coincidentally is the only thing you feel like doing. Well, when I got off a month of the single-player Halo tweak I was seriously depressed. I’m not saying I was ready to off myself but it wasn’t looking good. I needed a fucking fix. I tried some different methods to get back into the game. I played the easy mode just to see how long it would take. I finished in about an hour. That sucked. I played on “legendary” and forced myself to only use the handgun. OK that took a lot longer but when I finished I once again felt myself sliding into a major dopamine deficit. I needed something more. Then I saw it.
I don’t know why the hell I never noticed before but Halo has an online multiplayer mode! GTFOOH! Which I quickly learned stands for Get The Fuck Out Of Here! If you have never played a multiplayer game on the Internet, one thing you notice quickly is that everyone talks in acronyms. ROTFL is the just the tip of the iceberg. NS for example means either “Nice Shot” or “No Shit” depending on the context. WTF means “What The Fuck” which really means “That was total bullshit because I should never have been killed by whatever puny POS you just hit me with”. POS meaning Piece of Shit, obviously. The other word which comes up about twelve times a sentence is “noob”. A noob is basically anyone who you want to get a rise out of. It used to be short for “newbie” which was old-school geek speak for Nubian back when computers were first built in Africa circa 5000 BC. Eh… actually it meant someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing because they’re “new”. OK… cute. But it doesn’t mean that any more. Since anyone who has been playing Halo online with you for the last six days can really not honestly be considered a newbie, noob really means, “I want to talk shit, will you join me?” For some reason being called a noob is extremely irritating and so generally the shit talking commences in earnest. I’ve seen people defend themselves so eloquently that while they are standing around typing they get run over by a tank. This is called “typekill”. A close cousin is the “spawn death” which means you just dropped into the game right in front of someone with a rocket launcher and before you could say “WTF”, you died. But back to the shit talking.
Shit talking in Halo takes three forms. To understand them you must understand this: Just like in any online game there is no way really hurt anyone. I mean hurt them in the real physical world. But what you can do, and what is really really satisfying - moreso than even winning the game sometimes - is you can piss them off. Because when you piss someone off, you actually have done something REAL. They are actually, really, non-virtually pissed off. And that can be highly rewarding. So that is the whole purpose of shit talking. With that understood we can now examine the three types of shit talkers:
- The Bad Shit Talker: This guy tries to talk shit but is no good at it. Some people just freeze. This is the kind of person who will hold the losing end of the following conversation:
Blizrd: duke u have no skillz
Duke: what a noob
Blizrd: im not a noob
Duke: you act like one
Blizrd: fu
Duke: and your mothers cunt smells like dry rot
Blizrd: fu
Duke: i fucked her and now I have crabs
Blizrd: fu
… ad infinitum …
“FU” means Fuck You but it’s not a very good comeback. I think it takes everyone a while to come up to speed on their shit-talking but some guys just never get there. A side note: Really crass language is very common. This conversation was not made up.
Another side note: I once saw a guy demand that everyone apologize to another player for being mean to him. Of course everyone said he should go screw himself and if he liked the other player so much he should put his pinky in his ass and all kinds of extremely rude suggestions. Because honestly it was an amazing request. In fact it only made sense when he announced that the other guy was actually his seven year old son who was now in the other room crying! We all thought about it for a minute and then told him he was a fucktard for bringing his kid anywhere near an online Halo game. Point being, you never really know who you are playing with - someone who might seem irretrievably stupid might just be a seven year old. So go easy on them.
- Anyway - back to the point. The second type of shit talker is the funny guy. These guys are the best to watch (and I am using ‘guy’ in the most gender specific sense because I’ve never met or heard of a girl playing Halo - especially online). They have mastered the art of cutting you down so cleverly that other people take time to say “lol” or “ha” which - when you consider that they have to take their hand off their mouse to type and risk being snipered - is really a considerable bit of audience response. These guys are fun to have around because they usually make Halo a lot more fun and generally they are the most effective shit talkers. Nothing stings more than getting the verbal slap down and then watching as everyone else laughs their ass off at your expense. Ouch.
- Our last type of shit-talker is the asshole. He’s the guy who is an asshole in real life and an asshole in virtual life. He not only tends to have a very thin skin but he goes right for the jugular every time. This is where all the rascism and anti-semitism and general real-life style psycho behavior comes in. I can’t even begin to relate some of the things I’ve seen people say. It all comes down to anger and anonymity. When this type of person feels powerless they lash out. And since they have no fear of retribution they lash out in the most hateful way they can. It’s truly amazing.
At first when I noticed this type spewing his virulent psycho talk I was deeply offended. Not only for myself but also for blacks (the N word I have never read so often), Asians, The French, Mexicans, you name it. Totaly over the top racism. What the hell was going on here? In an attempt to understand I asked a friend of mine who has been playing online games for much longer than me. Here’s what he had to say:
I think all sorts of offensive behavior is more prevalent in video games than day-to-day life for any number of reasons … but I do find that it’s less prevalent in gaming environments which have a lower twitch-factor and a steeper learning curve. I’m sure i don’t know exactly why that is, but speculate that any game where an abundance of free time and a short attention span are better assets for the players than patience, diplomacy and applied mathematics… well, those games may inevitably have more angry morons congregating in them than are found, on average, in more complicated environments.
Well that would explain my experience in Halo. Because it takes about zero seconds to learn how to play and about two seconds to figure out how to use the chat function (which has no ‘mute’ or block-list options). Also I have noticed that the more racist and crude a person is the less likely they are to be any good as a player in their own right. The other factor which needs to be considered is that certain people like attention. And words like “nigger” and “jew” and “faggot” are almost guaranteed to get it. This is true in the real world and true online. Unfortunately the best way to combat this type of person is just to ignore them and not give them the attention they desire. Which is very difficult to do for those of us brought up to think that we should “fight racism” and generally stand up for ourselves and others when they are in need of defense. So what can you do?
My advice: A few simple things you can “do” if you want to play Halo and not be subjected to constant abuse:
- Don’t play Halo. Seriously - take a walk or something. You don’t meet many racist psychos at the park. It’s better for your health anyway…
- OK if you must play Halo… find a server which is MODERATED. A moderated server allows you to at least appeal to a real person who has the power to ban people. Generally racism is quickly banned by server operators. Unfortunately most Halo servers aren’t moderated.
- Learn to be the funny guy. Racist psychopaths have delicate egos. Make fun of them. Don’t get drawn into a debate. Don’t defend the honor of your homeland. Don’t write an essay. A simple “get someone to change your diaper” is often much more effective.
- Beat them. If you are better than them you can make them shut up by forcing them to concentrate on playing the game. Then they can’t type. And killing them repeatedly while announcing “Black guy:7 Racist: 0″ can really piss them off. And make them look stupid. And it feels great!
- Enlist help. If you really can’t ignore them (which should be the very first thing you try) and everything else doesn’t work you can try to show them that they stand alone. I’ve seen whole groups of players turn on a guy and basically show him the door. Even if they won’t leave at least you feel better knowing everyone isn’t against you.
- If all else fails… Achieve enlightenment. This is a secret level known only to masters of the art of Halo. Once you find it you will become truly one with the Halo universe. All things will be a part of you and you will be a part of all things. The Pelican, the Warthog, the Scorpion Tank - all these will be revealed to be incarnations of the one true Halo. You will rise above the grasslands of Blood Gulch, look down on the ice fields of Infinity and scale the mountains of Death Island. These will all be as nothing to you and you will be above all and gain true understanding. And the lapro5’s of the world will most certainly NOT be there. Maybe you can then send me an email and explain how the hell you did it because I’ve tried all the latest mod-hacks and nothing works. So help a brother out!
That’s my unsolicited advice. I hope it helps you enjoy your online gaming experiences more and leads to less psycho racist behavior from those you game with.
But don’t hold your breath.
3 Comments
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Support Barack Obama
Wow.
I sat here at my desk for a good five minutes after reading this kind of shell-shocked. More than “kind of” really.
When Yorkie first mentioned to a large group of us that he planned on starting Guest Blogging on 3.0, everyone was excited. Most wanted to partake. None wanted to go first.
Think of the weight that comes alone with being GB#1 - the pressure. Josh, you fucking nailed it, Holmes. Well done.
I’ve played Halo a couple of times, though never online. My online gaming experience is pretty lackluster: I rocked my high school friends at NBA 2K on Dreamcast when I was in college, but that was over dial-up. Not exactly blazing fast action there. It would take well over an hour to play a game online, versus maybe 20 minutes if you were playing locally. We would talk shit over the phone while we played, mostly so we could hear each other cough as we took bong hits. Ah…college.
I later upgraded to an Xbox and promptly bought a year-long subscription to Xbox Live, again, so I could play my buddies who were now spread out over the country. There was the “Xbox Communicator” available, which was basically a ghetto-fabulous boom mic/headset with an Xbox logo on it. We talked shit again, but now it was getting more personal…and funnier. Eventually we began to only talk over the Xbox Live system, instead of taking time out of our busy day to talk on the phone. The game became a vessel to chat. It was fun, and we killed two birds with one stone: talked to a good buddy and got in some necessary video game action, or “Vids” as we called it. Yes, we were lame. Yes, I still am.
A few months ago, after over a year of not-so-discrete suggestions from my good buddy, Zach, I finally went out and bought Xbox 360. Xbox 360 comes with a free month of Xbox Live, so I signed up again. It had been years since I had played online, and figured, since I live alone (and in “Mexico”), that some online play would be fun.
I quickly learned what a mistake I had made.
I was routinely getting my ass kicked by 11 year old girls at MLB 2K6…and being mocked mercilessly for it. When I would not time my curveball just-so, I would hear all sorts of condescending comments like, “Don’t bring that shit in here, Meat” or “Did your Mommy teach you how to throw that pitch?” as her steroid-fueled player trotted around the bases after hitting a ball 536 feet into the virtual atmosphere, and, eventually, the virtual SF Bay.
Eventually I got better, but the shit talking never stopped. What’s worse is there’s a voice-disguising option on the microphone, so for all I know the dude with the older, robotic-sounding voice could be a 63 soccer mom with empty nest syndrome playing her son’s video games as a way to feel close to him while he’s in college contracting VD.
So, when my month-long trial membership ended, I didn’t re-up. It was fun playing against others, but the shit talking was kinda lame. I tried playing a few games without the headset on, but my competitors tended to get frustrated by my lack of conversation skills, and would quit the game early.
Looks like I’ll have to settle for kicking the computer’s ass…and Zach’s, when he feels like getting pwned (that’s “owned” for all you noobs).
Sweet. Very nice post Josh. I who am so lame as to confine my on line playing to free spades on yahoo, have identical, I mean IDENTICAL experiences, compounded by the annoying opportunity of a total asshole to stall for 2 mins 59 secs between each card he plays before the application will boot him. (I once ran into a guy who had taken the time to write a subprogram he could run to leave the game while his computer selected the next card at 2:59 precisely. A program he ought to sell.)
So there is a psychological angle required before employing any of the verbal jiu-jitsu described above - if you opt to ignore “ignore” and engage in some combination of techniques 3,4 & 5 above, you have to do so with enough delicacy to avoid the 3 minute gambit. There is nothing more satisfying than whipping a guy to the entertainment of other players, but leaving him enough dignity to keep him at the table. It’s like milking a friendly dolt at poker for several hours but he’s having fun so he doesn’t leave. And, like Josh says, it pays off in absolute, real, 100%, non-virtual satisfaction you can take with you when you go whistling on your walk outside.
JB, motherfucker, I’m never playing poker with you again. …I mean, happy birthday!
Your story about the guy with the yahoo spades timer mod reminded me why I only play on-line games where the objective is to shoot or stab one’s opponents. I looked for it, but couldn’t find it on Sourceforge for you. Perhaps Josh can hunt it down on the Usenet, along with a free copy of “Vanguard - Saga of Heroes” for me. I shit myself when I found out Sony wanted $49.99 for that POS as well.
Thanks for a hysterical read, Josh.