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2008 is going to be a great year to be President. Why? Because after 8 years of the current administration, the only significant expectation the People will have of you is that you don’t fuck things up any worse than they already are. If you can actually undo a little bit of the damage done to our Nation during the last two terms, that’ll just be icing on the cake.
We can safely assume that the next President will be a Democrat (Quick, knock on wood!), because, as the old saying sorta goes, “Fool us into electing you once, shame on you. Fool us into electing you twice, shame on us.” (author’s note: though I never voted for W, and actively campaigned against him in 2000 and 2004, I - like the treasonous Dixie Chicks - still share in that shame.) Our current leader’s related proverbial impairment just serves to reinforce my assumption that we’re ready for someone really different.
So, who’s it gonna be? If you listen to the Media, you know it is essentially a race between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Of course, if you listened to the Media, then you also knew in 2003 that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, so it is technically possible that their predictions for an election which is over 20 months away may be flawed.
Thus I thought I’d strap a bra on my head, wire up a Ken Doll, and design the perfect candidate (though perhaps not as hot as Kelly LeBrock in 1985, or?) Here’s a list of the qualities we’ve forgotten we have a right to expect in the President of the United States of America:
- Political experience. As a U.S. Senator (and former first lady,) Hillary’s got a good deal of it at the national - but not state - level, while Barack has just the opposite. Since I’m blue-skying here, I might as well wish for someone with plenty of both kinds. In fact, my ultimate candidate would have experience in the state capitol, the U.S. capitol, and even the White House - in a cabinet-level position, for instance (Am I asking for too much already?)
- Diplomacy skills. Remember those? You may not, because talking is for sissies, and we’re bigger and tougher and righter than everybody else, so fuck you. But wouldn’t it be great if we had a President who was not only willing to hear someone else’s side, but would actually travel to the hot spots of the world - Iraq, North Korea, Sudan - to solve serious problems (and if Air Force One didn’t have to fly in at night, in secret and unannounced, that would be pretty cool and dignified, too.)
- Fiscal responsibility. I’m no tax and spend Liberal (prepare to hear that phrase hauled out of the Conservative sound bite closet soon,) but I am confounded, on behalf of all True Republicans and Libertarians, by the current administration’s cut taxes and pour $500 billion down an oily black hole in the desert policy. Hate to break it to you, but that half-a-trillion bucks we’re currently spending at Pottery Barn Iraq will need to be repaid at some point (Personally, I say let the Republican President in 2016 raise our taxes through the roof in order to pay for the War and the various social programs - like Social Security and Medicare - that will be going broke about then, but then I’m a fan of poetic justice.) I want a Democrat who can cut taxes and spend wisely.
- A uniter, not a divider (and I don’t say this ironically - it just sounds that way right now.) About half of you probably disagree with me (because it seems like we’ve been split down the middle on everything for the last decade,) but wouldn’t it be great if we could all just get along? Perhaps that’s part of the appeal of Hillary and Barack. First woman President? First black President? Maybe it is time for us white men to take a 4 to 8 year rest and give somebody else a shot. Unfortunately, for all the Media hype each election cycle, I don’t recall women or blacks ever wielding the unified voting clout to decide a national election. Brand me a sexist racist (or a racist sexist,) but I’m not crossing my fingers for ‘08 to finally be the one. Is there any minority group out there with the motivation, ambition, and organization to take to the streets when they want to be heard (hint: Today we march, tomorrow we vote)? Right, Latinos. Wouldn’t it be fantástico if there was someone out there who was Latino enough for the Latinos, but vanilla enough not to scare the rest of us?
- Preparedness. Yes, most of the next President’s time in office will be spent correcting the errors of the recent (i.e. 8 years’ back) past, but we’ve got plenty of BIG ISSUES coming at us full tilt, too. We need someone who will be ready to lead us in the right direction.What do we do about Energy, for example? Kudos to the White House for recently bringing to our attention the imminent danger of global warming, but perhaps our national energy policy shouldn’t be handled by a White House full of former Oil executives meeting secretly with other Oil executives about the viability of alternative sources (Alternatives to Oil? Bah, humbug!) You recall that I earlier wished for someone with Cabinet-level experience - well, I’ve decided that I want this person to be the former Secretary of Energy in a Democratic (read environmentally conscious) administration (Remember, we’re traveling through York’s political fantasy land; just play along with me.)
- Vision. We may not make it to Mars anytime soon, but I’d like a President who has realistic ideas about what we can achieve in the near future. Richard Branson’s getting ready to launch Virgin Galactic; where are all of us space tourists supposed to launch from? We need a President who will tell us where the first commercial spaceport will be located.
Actually, we don’t. Bill Richardson, the two-time Democratic Governor of New Mexico, has already partnered with Branson to put it in his state. Before he was Governor, he was also the Secretary of Energy in Bill Clinton’s White House, the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and a member of the U.S. House of Representatives for over 14 years. The conservative Cato Institute recognized him in 2004 as one of the most fiscally responsible governors in the Nation (a Democrat who proposes and passes tax cuts?!), he’s been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize four times (for his face-to-face diplomacy in places such as Iraq, North Korea, and Sudan), and - though the name might’ve thrown you - he’s Latino!
If you haven’t yet heard of him, it may be because you’re a little deaf from having Hillary! and Obama! shouted in your ears by the Liberal Left-Wing Conservative Right-Wing Media. That’s okay, though. The last time an unknown Democratic governor from a small, irrelevant state ran for the Presidency, he won (author’s second note: New Mexico, though indeed small and irrelevant, is one of my favourite states, and I plan to move there as soon as global warming submerges Los Angeles - Hooray for greenhouse gases!)
To learn more, visit richardsonforpresident.com.
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