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Sharing Gay Suicide Death Pact with the users of craigslist was bound to generate a variety of responses. The question for me was, which word would prove to be the catalyst for cathartic criticism: gay, suicide, death, or - last and certainly least likely - pact? And the winner is…
I will tell you that as attractive suicide is, when you have to make that seconds decision to die or not, when the blood is spurting from your veins and hitting the ceiling…it’s not so cool and artsy. Die or not, when you come to that moment of decision it’s not the romantic notion you may think it is. Your marrow turns to ice, and it is a huge decision.. clever names and websites will not save you from what may come when all is done.
With the first of many responses from readers of my Gay Suicide Death Pact journal entry, chickenbaby provided perhaps the most vividly beautiful description of one potential option for killing myself. Would the blood spurting from my veins really hit the ceiling? It sounds almost cool enough to try (and I’m flattered to know that someone considers my site cleverly named!)
Mik118 dispensed with the flowery language and got right to the point:
You need help…
Maria was kind enough, after her opening paragraph, to provide that help, as she explained why life really is worth living, beginning with the greatest salutation I have ever had the pleasure to receive:
Dear gay suicide, whatever,
if what you wrote in your craigslist ad is a trick to attract people to buy your art, then you would be a miserable jackass, and I wouldn’t even want to spend a second to write you., but I assume that in a misguided sort of way you are sincere and so I am writing you .
I can assure you, Maria, that while I am both miserable and a jackass, I have never yet sold a piece of art on my site (or done anything else to generate even the smallest pittance from my online creative efforts.)
You sound typically provincial American. Look at me !!!!!!!!!! Shout it louder!!!!!!!!. I am going to be great or I’ll kill myself. Every dom American I ever met says that. That is the dom thing to do: thinking of suicide and actually contemplating on doing it. Rubbish
Guilty as charged. Not only am I an American (and a dom one at that,) but, as my URL might imply to you, I am an egomaniac. Look at me!!!!!!!!!! Listen to me!!!!!!!!!! Read me!!!!!!!!!! Yorkrules exists for all of these reasons.
But sweet Maria is not one to hold my stoopidity against me, and so she closes with these thoughtful and supportive words:
Maybe you will be great and maybe not , but why should you worry? What is important is that you enjoy painting, or , if you don’t, then go do somehting else you enjoy: pottery, woodcarving, whatever. The imperative is to be happy with what you do.
Kind words, unmitigated by misspelled misanthropy, flowed from others as well:
I didn’t have time to examine the site thoroughly, and don’t quite understand what it’s totally about, but definitely was awed by some of the artistic creativity there!
Keep on going! And by all means, don’t ever kill yourself!
I hope that ClassyLadyBecca will find the time to peruse the site in greater detail, and if she finds out what it’s about, I can only ask that she let me know, as I will almost certainly not sincerely consider taking my own life until that mystery is resolved.
Then there were my like-minded brethren, such as Amit:
Curious about this pact. I’m in my mid twenties and feel i’m not doing nearly what I could be.
What more can ya tell me ’bout this?
Well, Amit, I can tell you that in my mid-twenties, life was grand. That may mean that your life at 32 (my current age) will be one of relatively wretched despairity (add that to the list of words that don’t exist but should,) or, contrary to my own experience, your world of a decade hence will be filled with joy and wonder. I wish you good luck.
The final response I received came from josh, the best friend I’ve never met:
This gay suicide death pact sounds like just what I’ve been looking for. You wouldn’t believe how many people are out there talking about how one day they are going to get off their ass and finally start that suicide death pact they’ve been thinking about for all these years and never actually DOING it. Well, you guys have actually done it and I’m very proud of you.
The longest journey begins with a single step. Even when the final step in the journey is jumping hand-in-hand off a cliff with your gay friend. So - is there an application process or what? Do I need to submit samples? Of something? Because I’m all over that. Please let me know.
-josh
Not Gay Either but Equally Ambivalent
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