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Perhaps you’ve heard about that report drafted by FEMA in early 2001. It predicted that the three disasters most likely to strike the United States would be a terrorist attack on New York City, a powerful hurricane in New Orleans, and a massive earthquake in California. Or perhaps you’ve noticed that more and more people are expressing deep concerns about the security of our ports, and the likelihood that a dreaded nuclear “dirty bomb” will be delivered to our shores in one of the millions of uninspected shipping containers that arrive every year.
Here in Los Angeles, home to both America’s busiest commercial port and a number of intersecting fault lines, it’s time to get prepared. Don’t know what you’ll do when the earth shakes and the sky fills with radioactive dust? Here are a few helpful tips:
- Assemble a basic emergency kit, including food, water, first aid supplies, and several other items you’ll find essential in the aftermath. Visit 72hours.org for a complete list, as well as other valuable resources.
- Make a plan. I’ve already explained to Julie My Love that we’ll leave her small car in the grocery store after we crash it in the front doors to liberate supplies and liquor. My SUV is the designated escape vehicle. If you don’t have an SUV, you’ll want to get one, as you will need to drive over debris, curbs, people, and other vehicles to get away from Ground Zero. The only vermin likely to survive the nuclear firestorm are cockroaches and Hummer drivers, so unless you’re Franz Kafka, go 4WD.
- Protect the ones you love. In the post-apocalyptic hellscape of Los Angeles (which you may have some trouble distinguishing from the pre-apocalyptic hellscape of L.A.), women and children will probably become the de facto currency. I don’t know what the exchange rate will to be, but a young child would likely be redeemable for a tank of gas, and a woman, slipped nonchalantly to the right character, will get you out of most tight fixes.
- Make contingency plans. If you’ll be escaping as part of a group, determine who will need assistance, then kill them. This will quickly establish your dominance as pack leader and make for faster travel time. Choose a nickname, such as “Bone Crusher” or “Anthrax”, and refer to yourself in the third person. Keeping those around you confused and fearful is to your advantage.
That’s about all the tips I can offer you without surrendering my Darwinian advantage, so good luck!
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